In the funeral business, everything is in the details. Unlike a wedding which people often plan for months and sometimes for years, a funeral arrives suddenly and will require some hurried and frantic planning and scheduling. Pre-planning funerals helps but since we can’t always predict or schedule death, many of the details for a funeral or memorial service are quickly arranged by the surviving family members under the guidance of a funeral director. Getting all of the details right rest on the shoulders, mind, experience, and reputation of the funeral director. This is why funeral directors WORRY A LOT!
I Hope My Dick Doesn’t Fall Off
For many funeral directors the worry becomes far too much for them to handle. Many funeral directors won’t last more than five years before burning out and seek another profession. It’s not only the worry but also the personal dedication and commitment to a business that is 24 -7-365. It is disruptive to your family and social life. Funeral directors have to arrange and schedule everything in a matter of hours for a major life event! For me personally the 20 years was a bit too long. By then I was drinking like a fish. The chest pains stopped the day after I quit!
I recently asked a group of funeral directors what they worry about the most and here are their responses:
-“Flowers, grave digger, vault company, printers, obituaries, cosmetics, weather, music, ministers, permits, paperwork, families, friends, and just about everything.”
-“I would definitely think one of the biggest things we worry about is getting everything perfect and every little detail. Also making sure that the family’s last image of their loved one is one that won’t haunt them.”
-“I always worry about what I can do the nights that I’m on call. It seems that we limited ourselves sometimes socially. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had to miss holidays and parties and nights where my friends go out because I’m on call. Granted, that is a selfish thing to worry about. But I don’t think the general public knows about that side of being a funeral director.”
-“I worry about my kids dying. I worry about me dying. I worry about when my kids die and the funeral home doesn’t take care of them with dignity. I guess that’s not really relevant for your public info, just sharing.”
-“Will I find a job after my apprenticeship?”
-“What’s to be left in a casket?”
-Aspirator line rupture!
-“Getting paid, scheduling overlap! Will the officiant show up, disease, purge, leakage, restorative art, family feuds, musicians, newspaper deadlines for obits, paperwork delays, permits, pall bearers, and paying my bills.”
-“Cancer causing embalming fumes, needle pricks, tissue gas, and my bad back!”
-“I mostly worry about the family and their complete satisfaction of my service. The reputation of our funeral home and how my life depends on it. Shrinking profits due to the growing trend of direct cremation.”
-“Picking up the wrong body, cremating the wrong body, making a wrong turn leading a funeral procession, catching a disease, the strength of the bottom of these new cheap Chinese caskets as we carry the 300lb dude up the church steps. Hope the handles don’t tear off.”
-“I worry about the fat guy in the bathtub on the second floor and the narrow staircase. The neighbors noticed the mail was building up and then they noticed an unusual smell!”
I hope that when the general public reads this that they will appreciate the dedication and respect that funeral directors across the world provide to the deceased and their family members. It’s not an easy life and demands a personal commitment that many professionals could not begin to comprehend. They help people through one of life’s biggest challenges. Their customers are distraught and demanding. Even people that are normally relaxed and easy going can become sensitized as they grieve. In a business where everything is in the details, absolute perfection can be an extreme challenge. Thank God the funeral directors are experts in getting all of the details just right!
“Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here.” — “Hotel California” by Glenn Frey, Don Felder and Don Henley, 1976 (“Record of the Year”)
David Bowie! Scott Weiland! Glenn Frey! Lemmy Kilmister! Paul Kantner! Dale Griffin (from Mott the Hoople)! What a couple of weeks this has been! It seems as if all of the Rock stars of our youth are dying all of a sudden. I did not know a single one of them, but it’s been a tough time for me nonetheless! I’m living proof of what is commonly called mass grief. Music is such a big part of my life and when someone like David Bowie dies, a man whose art has influenced or been the anthem to so many parts of my life, I truly feel the pain of loss. It’s a deeply personal feeling, even though I never met the man. I know that I’m not alone, that I share my pain with millions of other fans.
What is mass grief?
When We All Stare Death in The Eye
Mass grief is not a new phenomenon. Which of us raised in the 1960s cannot tell you exactly where we were and what we were doing when President Kennedy was shot, or more recently, when Princess Diana was killed? Though we’d never met these people, they still had a big impact on our lives and how we viewed the world. While more than 2,000 Americans die on an average day, it is these larger-than-life musicians, actors, politicians and celebrities that tug at our hearts.
So intense was the grief following Princess Diana’s death that the phenomenon of mass grief has taken the moniker, the “Diana Syndrome.” These feelings of grief, sometimes also called “mourning sickness,” are very real and very common. In our 24/7 mass media news society, it’s easy to feel like we know celebrities personally since we see and read about their daily activities. Sometimes, we know more about these celebrities than we do members of our own extended family. It is no wonder that we mourn their passing?
Another aspect of mass grief is that it brings to mind our own mortality. If a larger-than-life person like David Bowie or Princess Diana can die, we realize it could happen to us, too. While we all understand that death is inevitable, most people prefer to push that fact well away from their daily thoughts. A celebrity death takes that basic part of life out of the closet and forces us to examine it a little too closely. In addition, while those closest to the celebrity can witness that person’s decline and start preparing for their death, fans are often caught unaware. The celebrity’s death is often the first indication that fans have that the person was even ill. That was the case with all of the deaths these past few weeks.
Mass grief manifests itself in a number of ways. Make-shift memorials pop up outside the celebrity’s home or near other locations that were important to that person. People leave flowers, candles, personal notes and other mementoes, the same type of items they would send to a funeral of a friend or family member. The memorial for Princess Diana outside of her home, Kensington Palace, extended for several city blocks and grew taller than a man. Those in London at the time reported that the entire city smelled like a florist shop.
Mass grief also leads people to post memorials on social media sites like Facebook and Twitter. Millions of posts about David Bowie’s passing and his life started appearing within minutes of the news of his death.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re feeling grief over the passing of someone you’ve never met, such as a musician or movie star. Everyone experiences grief in a unique way. According to David Kaplan, chief professional officer of the American Counseling Association, “there’s no one ‘right’ way to grieve.” Just because you’re mourning a person whom you’ve never met doesn’t make those feelings any less valid. Kaplan goes on to explain that people “have a tendency to compartmentalize grief and say that we should grieve a certain way depending on the person. But grief is grief and people act in very individual ways.” In many ways, the term “mass grief” is a misnomer. This type of grief can be as poignant, as personal, as individual and as deeply-seeded as any other type of grief.
As for the naysayers, grief experts, including Kaplan, advise ignoring them. For some reason, people who would never think of going to a funeral and belittling the people attending the ceremony for their expressions of grief think nothing of leaving disparaging comments on grieving social media posts about the death of a public figure.
Mass grief also often contains a feeling of loss of control. After all, if David Bowie or Princess Diana or John Lennon was susceptible to cancer, to an auto accident, to random violence…the logic goes, so are we. Not a comfortable thought for most of us.
Why are the deaths of musicians so poignant?
“Music is in Our Souls”
Music provides the backdrop for our lives. Hear a certain song and you’re instantly taken back to the time when you first heard it. Hear the song that was playing when you first met your spouse or attended your first prom or sang your first lullaby to your child and you relive the emotions of that earlier, special time. Popular music has a way of finding its way into our souls. Consider the soundtracks to popular movies and the emotions they evoke. Music changes the way we feel about ourselves, the way we view our relationships with others and even our opinions. The lyrics of talented songwriters, such as Frey and Bowie, help to articulate our feelings when we, less talented mortals, are unable to. How many times have you felt that a song was written with your specific life situation in mind? Such experiences create a deep personal bond with the songwriter and musician. Is it any wonder that we mourn?
When a musician dies, we not only lose the person, but we feel the loss of songs that will never be written, albums that will never be released and concerts that we’ll never be able to attend. That body of work we previously saw extending for years and years in the future is suddenly finite. To realize that we’ve already heard all of the songs that a favorite artist will produce is reason alone to grieve.
Saying goodbye to fans
Some artists recognize the impact their music has had on fans and, when they know they are dying, plan for that final farewell. David Bowie knew his time was limited. He also understood how our society diminishes the dying. Instead of succumbing to that standard, he kept his illness private and worked on leaving a final, parting set of tracks as a goodbye to his fans and, perhaps, to help further the discussion about end-of-life choices. That he, at such a deeply personal time, would be thinking of his fans shows that, at least for Bowie, that the relationship between artist and listener is not just a one-way street.
Sometimes public figures are buried with a massive funeral and burial rite. Look at Princess Diana’s service at Westminster Abbey that was attended by hundreds inside the church and thousands just outside. More often, there is no official final rite or that service is (understandably) limited to just family and very close friends. Because of that void, often other performers jump in to put on memorial concerts or other events to help fans work through their grief. For instance, although there is no public funeral for David Bowie, his fellow musicians are hosting a memorial concert at Carnegie Hall on March 31 and April 1. Among the performers slated to appear are Cyndi Lauper, Ann Wilson (of Heart) and Jakob Dylan. Carnegie Hall is a fitting venue for the Bowie tribute as it was one of the stops on Bowie’s first U.S. tour in 1972.
When a Concert is a Funeral For a Band!
In other cases, artists release a final album as their own tribute or gift to their fans. This is what Mr Bowie did releasing the album, “Blackstar” just three days before his passing. Another good example is Warren Zevon’s final album, “My Ride is Here.” Like funerals, these final works of art are a final gift to survivors, a way to help fans process their grief.
You can even say that when a band breaks up, the emotions felt are similar to a death. How many people are still grieving the breakup of the Beatles or the Grateful Dead? Aware of this, many artists plan a final tour or last big concert to punctuate the end of their era as a band and help fans get over the void left by the members going their separate ways. A good example is when “The Band” played their final “Last Waltz” concerts or the Grateful Dead, always more of a performance band than a studio band, spent their last summer together touring the United States.
Tips for dealing with mass grief
In many ways, dealing with mass grief is no different from dealing with the grief of losing someone who was a close friend or family member.
1. Don’t discount your feelings. As we mentioned above, don’t dismiss your feelings of sadness and grief simply because you never met the person who died. Experts recommend examining the emotions that the death of a celebrity evoke in you.
2. Seek professional help if needed. Grief is a natural process. However, when sadness gets in the way of your day-to-day responsibilities and enjoyment of life, it’s time to seek help…even for mass grief. This is especially true in cases where the celebrity took his or her own life. Studies have shown that a celebrity suicide increases the risk of self-harm in others.
3. Find an outlet for your feelings. Keeping your feelings of grief over a celebrity’s passing to yourself only succeeds in prolonging the intensity of that grief. Better to share your feelings with others, in person, via social media or by calling a grief hotline in your area. Witness the thousands of people who shared their favorite Bowie song via Facebook in the days following his passing. You might even want to organize your own mini-memorial with friends, such as a watch party of a dead actor’s top films or a listening party of your favorite albums from a dead musician.
4. Look for tangible reminders of the celebrity. Another way to process the grief over the death of a celebrity is to seek some tangible reminders of that person’s work. That’s one of the reasons that music, books and memorabilia of a recently-dead celebrity often experience a huge surge in sales. Listening to or reading about the life of the deceased can help you to clarify your feelings about their death.
The bottom line
Ultimately, grief at a celebrity’s passing is natural, especially the death of someone who has been covered extensively in the news and social media. Although we’ve never met him or her, we understandably feel a kinship towards at least their public personna. Such grief requires processing. Kudos to artists like Bowie who make that process a little easier by leaving a “final act” like “Blackstar.”
Bowie once said, “I think aging (sic) is an extraordinary process whereby you become the person that you always should have been.” …to which we respond, “YES!”
When most people think of funerals, they think of family and friends standing around a casket, dressed in black, with tissues in their hands, feeling bad about what they might have said or failed to say to the person who died while he or she was living. Certainly, the majority of end-of-life events include some sort of memorial service. However, there is a growing trend towards celebrating a person’s life with a living funeral.
What is a living funeral?
A living funeral, also called a life celebration, is a chance to rejoice in a person’s life while they are still around to share your stories and enjoy the gathering of friends and family. Such an event can be as simple as an afternoon tea for those closest to you or as elaborate as a big, society wedding reception. Unlike traditional funerals time will be on your side and you will be able to take the time to carefully plan an appropriate final act. Living funerals also allow the guest of honor to be involved in the planning as well as experience the love and support of those their lives.
One of the most poignant and talked about holiday commercials this season comes from Germany and shows an aging grandfather putting out the word of his own (premature) demise after being told by various family members that they don’t have time to travel to see him for a holiday dinner. When the family DOES gather for his supposed funeral, he surprises them by being alive and hosting that dinner they were all too busy to attend. When asked why he pulled such a stunt, he replied that it was the only way for him to get everyone together. The last frame shows them all eating and enjoying one another’s company. Such is the logic of a living funeral.
Watch the commercial here.
Others will remember the book “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom (and the Oprah Winfrey-produced movie by the same name.) In this real-life story, Morrie Schwartz, who was in his 80s and dying from Lou Gehrig’s disease, attends a friend’s funeral and is saddened to realize that his friend will never get to hear all of the nice thing people are saying about him or hear their stories. When Morrie returns home, he starts planning his own living funeral, complete with a gospel choir.
My friend Ray
My first experience with a living funeral was in June 2012 when my good friend Ray invited me to his “Birthday Party.” Ray was battling cancer, and I’m pretty sure he knew it was going to be his last birthday party. Ray had never heard of a living funeral. However, he knew that he wanted to have a party with all his friends and this was his way of doing it. He rented a pavilion in our hometown park in Oyster Bay, New York. He hired a great band band. (Ray loved live music). He called the caterers and he had the grills going with some of his favorite foods. It was great, far better then any funeral could have been! Yet, in a very real way, it WAS Ray’s funeral, his goodbye present to us.
There was no formal ceremony at Ray’s “birthday party” except for a couple announcements and, of course, the happy birthday song that made it hard for me to hold back my tears. (I wasn’t alone.) Ray brought out years of scrap books and shared some stories with us.
Ray in His Element
I had to laugh when I noticed Ray surrounded by girl friends including his wife Deb all huddled together, looking at pictures. Ray looked up at me and gave me that “yep I’m the man look.” (Ray was a stud). Shortly after the party health permitting Ray took some trips and experienced as much life and friendships as he could. I gave him a good book on funeral planning that day and offered my experience. Looking back, I think he already had made his funeral plans and he never mentioned the book. His wife didn’t even know about it. Funeral planning may be my profession, but Ray was way ahead of me.
Planning your living funeral
There are many different ways you can host a living funeral. In fact, there’s really NO wrong way to do it. You can sneak it in, disguised as another type of event like Ray did, or you can call it exactly what it is–a chance to say goodbye and celebrate a life well lived.
A living funeral doesn’t have to replace a traditional funeral and it probably shouldn’t. They both serve separate purposes. Even after a great living funeral, there is still a need for ceremony, ritual, closure and to say one last goodbye. Ray died later that same year we had gathered for the birthday party, and he had a pretty good traditional funeral as well, although it was a lot sadder than the birthday party. After the funeral, we all went to the restaurant Ray had picked and he threw us one last party on him.
Timing is Everything
1. Choosing the right time. Choosing the right time to have a living funeral can be a little tricky. Ideally, you want the guest of honor to be healthy enough physically and mentally to understand and enjoy the event. However, you don’t want it to be like celebrity autobiographies, where you have a new one every five or ten years. If a person is old enough or infirm enough that his or her life expectancy is uncertain, celebrating now is a good idea.
2. Finding a good location. Like a wedding or a graduation party, you want to find a place that is meaningful to the guest of honor, can accommodate the number of people you expect to attend and be appropriate for the weather. Unlike traditional funerals, there are no taboos to living funeral locales. Beaches, amusement parks, theaters, ball parks, party centers, parks, even bars are all acceptable venues.
3. Who should officiate? If you are going to have a ceremony, where friends and family share their favorite stories about the guest of honor, you may want to have someone officiate to keep the pace going smoothly and to add some structure. Since a living funeral isn’t a church rite, you don’t have to have a priest, minister or rabbi (although you could.) One popular trend in living funerals is to hire a celebrant to officiate. In the popular vernacular, a celebrant is someone who following an interview process, writes and officiates at a non-religious funeral or memorial ceremonies. In most funerals that use a celebrant (instead of a member of the clergy), the emphasis of the ceremony is on the person, his or her life and his or her achievements without the scriptures, homilies and communion associated with a religious ceremony. Such a format is naturally well-suited for a living funeral.
4. Should you have a ceremony? The choice to have a formal ceremony at the living funeral is a personal one. The event can be a glorified party, as was Ray’s birthday bash, or be a more solemn affair, as you might have for an octogenarian like Morrie Schwartz, with friends and family members sharing their favorite memories and anecdotes. It’s unlikely that any two living funerals will ever be alike.
5. What about food? Food is optional at a living funeral, but sharing even desserts or a light meal can help to put people at ease. If you don’t want the expense of a caterer, it’s appropriate to ask those attending to bring a dish they’ve made for the guest of honor or to simply bake (or buy) a plate of cookies. Obviously, the time of year and the venue will also influence your decisions about food. “Breaking bread” is a time-honored way for friends and family to stay close.
6. Picking appropriate music. Music, too, is optional, but can I highly recommend it to help set the tone and mood of the event. Choosing the guest of honor’s favorite band or genre of music is never wrong. You can also bring in local musicians, such as a bluegrass trio or classical quartet. If you are having a formal ceremony, a soloist can be used to break up the speakers.
Some Ideas For Sharing Your Life
Things to put on display like: Photos or a memorial video with highlights of life, Family tree graphic, Diplomas, Awards or trophies, uniforms resumes and titles held.
Hobbies stuff, Sport memorabilia, Projects and creations like art.
Invitations, Who will officiate, Speakers, organizers, ushers, program handouts, musicians or DJ.
Decor, seating, tables, restrooms, parking, handicap access and assistance, the influence of weather on your selected location.
Getting started with your living funeral
You don’t have to be a skilled party planner to organize an enjoyable and memorable living funeral. Increasingly, traditional funeral directors are offering these types of events as well as their traditional funeral services. Hospice facilities are also embracing the concept of living funerals as part of their breath of services that aid in the transition between life and death. Hospice workers know that terminal illnesses often isolate people from their usual social contacts and routines. A good ritual, especially one centered around that person like a living funeral, can help to shatter that isolated feeling. Far from being depressing, a living funeral can actually help a sick person feel more connected to his or her friends. Like any funeral or memorial, a living funeral is truly an unselfish gift that is very important to the one’s we love. This is also an opportunity to showcase your loves, frame your life and cement your legacy!
My friend Ray was the most generous and thoughtful person I have ever met. I am virtually certain that he had never heard the term “living funeral” when he planned his birthday party. However, he didn’t need to know about “living funerals” to know that he (and his friends) needed one. He just did what he always did and thought about the needs of the people closest to him. That was Ray, he had good instincts. I dedicate this article to my good friend Ray Sullivan… Miss You Buddy.
Most funeral directors know that one of the most important traits that someone in the funeral industry can possess is being a good listener. The problem is that most of us are so busy talking that we forget to really engage in listening. However, superior listening skills are essential to being a good, effective and compassionate funeral director. At a time when grief hampers the communication skills of most clients, being able to determine what a person is truly saying and truly wants is crucial. There is a lot of information being shared when funeral arrangements are being made. We need to not only be good listeners but also be able to create a trusting environment that stimulates the important conversations that need to take place. Fortunately, good listening skills can be learned.
The basics of good listening skills
Being an effective listener is a skill, just like reading or writing good letters. Some of the tenets of being a good listener include…
1. Assume everyone has something interesting to say. Everyone who is truly speaking from their heart has interesting and thought-provoking things to share, maintains Nancy Kline in her book, “Time to Think.” Throw aside any assumptions or pre-conceived opinions based on a person’s dress, age or address.
2. Create conditions that are right for listening…and sharing. The best conditions for sharing information (and for listening) are situations where there is little tension. Such spaces are quiet, gentle and unhurried. For funeral directors and their staff, this means creating a peaceful oasis where you can meet clients as well as leaving your phone and other electronic devices behind in your office. You might also want to have soothing music playing and a calm décor, even a scented candle burning can help. Allow more time than you think you might need. You don’t want to be fidgeting or looking at your watch while you are trying to listen. These actions all hinder good listening and good sharing. The family you are serving should feel like they only family you are serving when handling funeral arrangments.
3. Pay attention. This may sound obvious, but too many times we are busy thinking about what we have to do next or what we are going to say in return that we miss a large part of what a person is saying to us. On average, only 20 percent of what we hear makes it into our short term memory! No wonder effective communication is so tricky.
Another interesting thing happens when we pay attention, according to Kline–the person speaking enunciates more clearly and organizes his or her thoughts more succinctly. In short, the better we listen, the better they speak and the better we communicate. The logic is simple; when our thoughts wander and we pay poor attention, the speaker starts to feel like they aren’t valued and what they are saying isn’t important. They become self-conscious, hampering their communication skills. In the funeral industry, where many of the people we speak with are already stressed by grief, paying attention is especially important.
Paying attention also means no interrupting and not finishing the other person’s sentences. As a funeral director, it also means waiting until the person has finished what they intended to say before offering advice. Be prepared to ask pointed questions and converse about everyday things that will open doors that might not otherwise open. Many people are usually private about their family and loved one’s. Building trust and getting people to understand that to make a funeral as special and unique as the life lived, we need and have this one chance to make a funeral personal. Too often, we are tempted to pigeon-hole a client into a funeral plan we’ve used many times before…whether or not that’s what the client wants. Today more then ever the easy way is not the way when it comes to meaningful funerals. Using the services of a certified funeral Celebrant will also help create a more personalized and meaningful funeral or memorial, because Celebrants are more trained to draw out and capture the kind of information that can be used in a more personal ceremony. Clergy does not usually use such an extensive interview process and some do not meet with the family at all. It just kills me when the clergy will read the obituary as part of the ceremony (Huge Fail).
4. Don’t think for the speaker. Helping people doesn’t always mean thinking for them. You might assume that since you are the funeral expert and they are coming to you for help that it’s up to you to decide what’s best for them. A better plan of action is to hear them out. Often customers will tell you what the best solution to their perceived problems are if you wait for them to finish talking and not jump right in with your perfect “solution.” In general, advises Kline, people are more apt to be happy with the outcome if they arrive at the solution themselves than when you tell them what they should do.
Are women better listeners?
Pop culture has maintained for years that women are better listeners than men. How many jokes have you heard where the wife exclaims, “You just don’t listen to me” to her husband? There is actually some valid science behind this claim. It seems that men and women process language and communication differently. Men listen with half of their brain, while women engage their entire brain while listening. The jury is out whether that finding makes women better at listening. However, if you have a female on your staff, you might want to include adding interviews with prospective clients to her job description. According to at least one study, women ARE more empathetic than men.
Listening to the generations
The listening skills that have worked well for you over the years in your business may not be the ones that will serve you well in the future. Increasingly, we are dealing with members of the large baby boomer generation as their elderly parents begin to pass away. Soon, it will be their children (and grandchildren) with whom will be talking about end-of-life arrangements. These younger clients are more direct and less patient, in general, and will require us to have additional listening skills to be the best funeral service providers we can be.
Listening to Baby Boomers. The Baby Boomer generation (those born between 1946 and 1964) are currently in the midst of making end-of-life arrangements for their parents as well as pre-planning their own funerals. This is an independent generation who are used to doing things their own way. They want funerals to be more personalized, to be more life celebrations and less somber affairs. This generation is more apt to break the traditional funeral “norms” and opt for things like contemporary music, a celebrant instead of a priest and a beach setting instead of a church. This group is also embracing more enthusiastically the concept of pre-planning their own funerals. With more than 76 million Baby Boomers in the United States (one quarter of the US population), this could become a very lucrative market for those in the funeral industry. Given this generation’s need for customization, good listening skills will be more important than ever.
Listening to Millennials. Millennials are those born in the 1980s through the early 21st century. In many cases, these are the children of Baby Boomers. Unlike their parents, these consumers are much more technology-oriented. For funeral directors, that may mean being able to communicate with them via Skype or Facetime rather than in person. This group is also more likely to prefer texts to phone calls. However, changing the technology doesn’t mean that you can stop listening. You just have to adjust your approach to make them feel the most comfortable. One additional caveat about this group: ignore them at your peril. While taking the wrong approach or not listening to a Baby Boomer may lose you a client, ignoring a Millennial will also lose you their friends and their social contacts. This generation is much more social and much more willing to share their positive (and negative) experiences than their parents.
The bottom line
As we approach the end of the year and the beginning of 2016, now is a great time to evaluate your listening skills and see where there might be room for improvement. As our clientele shifts to include younger generations, the future of our businesses may just depend on it.
A person dying is in need of a special kind of care. Providing care to the dying can be a trying yet rewarding experience. Knowing what to do for a dying loved one can make all the difference. When faced with being “the one” responsible for over seeing and providing special care, it is important and healthy for all to understand the coming challenges and put your ego aside. If you know anyone who is experiencing such a thing, one way you can help such a person is by holding space. This concept, however, is not well understood. So what does holding space mean?
It means that you are willing and ready to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they are on without judging them, trying to fix them, making them feel inadequate or attempting to impact the outcome whatever they might be going through. When you hold space for other people, you open your heart, offer unconditional support, and let go of any judgment and control. It means that you will be by their side.
You are simply with it entirely so that it can work itself out. You have to take caution here. That does not mean becoming a victim of it, quite on the contrary. You are very powerful in this space, and it does not mean being hurt physically by another person. When you are deep in an area like this, you are way more immune to any “emotional” harm than you might be aware of. Taking in so much of emotional hurt just ends up bruising the ego; it involves taking what someone else is saying about you or someone close to you personally. But the odd thing about all that is, what most people say about us is a mere reflection of themselves. It is not personal. And while we do not turn a blind eye to everything other people might be saying, we start to comprehend just how much of an illusion everyone else is trapped in. In the end you will feel honored that you were trusted to share in the in this reflective end stage of life.
Walking The Line
Holding space can be a lot of hard work. You are bound to experience a cocktail of emotions from the person you are holding the space for. For instance, for the first time that you are holding space, you might be non-reactive to a lover’s outburst or a co-dependent friend’s tears, and they may then think that you do not care, which is obviously far from it. In hindsight, you are caring more about them than ever before since you are not feeding their emotional issues and making them worse. If anything, they now have to check their emotional mess and own up to it because you are holding space as is opposed to rolling around in this emotional debris with them. To begin with, that can be intensely uncomfortable for the other person. On the other side, it can also be trans-formative as well. It is always up to the other person in that equation to decide on what results from it. You can only own your pieces of the puzzle and what you do with them. You may want to explain to the other person what and why you’re handling thing the way you do. It might be appreciated by the other person that you not to butt in his or her life and try to run it.
No Directions at The Cross Roads of Life
It goes in many different directions, but it is always an enlightening experience in more ways than one though it can be a little bit uncomfortable to begin with. It may mean the end of some relationships that do not want to evolve. You have to have in mind that some people are just happy living in the filth of their misery. But at the same time, they still desire to go back home and complain about what the universe is doing to them, to their ideas, and even to their spiritual practices. If you do not join in with that negativity, they can get upset and leave you. And you may have to be just as comfortable with that result, the same way you would have to be with the positive outcome that brings relationships and friendships closer.
Providing Direction….
Holding space is, however, not flawless, especially if you are doing it for the first time. You may struggle with some aspects if the entire thing. Do not worry, it is allowed. We are always learning from our mistakes, right? To get started, I would suggest that you practice. There is a reason that people say “practice makes perfect.” It is because that has been proven to work. First, identify a person with whom you can practice with. You can take turns where one talks while the other listens. That is a practice about how you can be open-hearted and without judgment when the worst is said about you as well as when the best is said about you.
For the most of that process, you will just be listening to people talk about their pain. Then you see how you can be with it. You should check what comes up inside of you, and then discuss it with your listening partner. If you do not feel comfortable talking about it, you can journal it. That is a powerful practice that you can use to develop awareness, so that you can be with more people, understand what people share. You can help them find their inner peace and trust that the situation is going to happen, as it should.
Be real and be sure to discuss the importance of planning beyond the end of life. Helping or just checking to see if funeral plans are discussed and planned in a way that reflect on one’s true legacy while giving the gift to survivors of a well planned funeral.
Guide them without offering them the answers. A real space holder knows when the right time to provide guidance is and when to withhold it. It is not about you trying to fix their situation as far as post life decisions are concerned. Be sure they understand their options and provide the advice of experts like financial planners and funeral directors as well as spiritual guidance. It is better if they found the solutions by themselves after you have guided them to the advise of experts when necessary.
Provide a safe container for them to make mistakes. As they try to fix their issues by themselves, you have to understand that they are bound to make mistakes. Yours is to provide the space for errors.
Let them draw their own conclusions. Allow them to feel whatever they feel, without judgment. Remain neutral no matter what end of life decisions they make like estate planning or funeral arrangements.
Thank You Heather Plett for your words of wisdom in contributing to this important topic.
Have you ever attended a funeral at a church, funeral home or memorial chapel, and thought, “Wow, this just isn’t for me?”
If so, you’re not alone – home funerals are growing in popularity across the country. Gen-Xer’s,Baby Boomers, Hipsters and Millennials are seeking to transform institutional, cookie-cutter grieving rituals into personalized experiences that reflect the values, beliefs and wishes of the deceased, and in many cases, that means holding an intimate home funeral in lieu of a formal service.
Home funeral advocates claim that home funeral services allow loved ones more time to experience a healthy, natural grieving process – without the formality and unfamiliarity that often comes with holding a funeral in a strange, sterile place. Others suggest that home funerals help to make the passing of a friend or family member easier, because holding a funeral at home lets mourners spend time together in a warm, personal environment. Sometimes in the actual home of the newly departed, whats more personal then that!
And speaking of environments, environmentalists are among the growing list of home funeral advocates, thanks to the eco-friendly nature of holding a service at home, and skipping chemical-laden processes such as embalming. I on the other hand see no reason to not have the body embalmed even for home funerals (They Just Look Better). Don’t confuse home funerals with green burial, were just talking about the location of the funeral or visitation, you can
still have burial or cremation in the traditional sense.
Some experts have contributed the rise in popularity of ‘alternative funerals’ to the growth of hospice services, and the corresponding awareness around issues related to dying and death. As more and more people consider how, and where, they’d like to draw their final breath, the topic of funerals and cremations has now evolved into a social movement. Anytime family members actually talk about final wishes and discuss needs and wants it’s a good thing! “Have The Talk” check out The Conversation Project.
The Cost of Home Funerals
According to the National Funeral Directors Association, the average cost of an adult funeral, complete with viewing and burial, is $8,508 (2014) – a cost that has increased by 29.3% in just 10 years.
By contrast, the average cost of a simple cremation in the United States is approximately $1100, and simple urns can be purchased for under $200.
The actual cost of holding a home funeral is highly variable, with lavish events running upwards of $20,000 or more, and simple services running anywhere from $200-$1000. Factors that impact the cost of a home funeral include:
Whether or not the body is prepared for viewing prior to burial or cremation
If a casket is used, and if so, the price of the casket (or materials, if it’s homemade)
Cost of floral arrangements
Hiring an officiant (such as a celebrant, priest, pastor or minister)
Catering services/ chair rental
Alcohol and beverages
Purchasing dry ice (to preserve a non-embalmed body for viewing)
Cleaning services to prepare the home for guests
Entertainment (musicians, poets and/or singers)
Some grassroots-level home funeral advocates suggest cutting the cost of a home funeral by using a home-built casket made from recycled materials, and asking mourners to bring food to share, pot-luck style. Other cost-cutting measures include forgoing a casket altogether and either having direct cremation prior to the home funeral, or simply leaving the deceased lying in their own bed after their body has been properly washed and prepared for viewing.
Home Funerals – Reviving Old Traditions
While the concept of a home funeral might seem unusual in today’s aseptic world, the fact is that home funerals were the norm until the mid-1800’s, when funeral homes began to pop up across America. In many areas, home funerals were commonplace through to the mid-1950’s and beyond.
Prior to the advent of modern funeral homes, families would care for their own deceased, by preparing the body, and holding vigil over the casket in the parlor room
, kitchen or bedroom. Many estate homes even featured a ‘death door’ – a concealed
door leading directly outdoors from the parlor, allowing for easy removal of caskets.
Modern embalming is also a relatively new process, developed during the U.S. Civil War as a way to preserve the bodies of soldiers killed on the battlefield. Dr. Thomas Holmes found that by replacing all the blood in deceased bodies with a solution containing arsenic, decomposition could be delayed, providing wealthy families who could pay the embalming fee with enough time to transport their loved ones home for their final goodbye. Ironically, Dr. Holmes requested that he not be embalmed upon his own passing.
Is A Home Funeral Legal?
The last thing grieving family and friends holding a home funeral want to deal with is a run-in with the local authorities, so if you’re considering hosting an at-home service at some point in the future, it’s a good idea to check on the applicable laws in your area.
According the National Home Funeral Alliance, “in every state and province it is legal for families to bring or keep their loved one home until time of disposition (burial or cremation).” However, it’s important to note that depending on where you live, you may be required by law to involve a funeral director in your home funeral plans.
So, the simple answer is yes, home funerals are perfectly legal throughout North America (and no, embalming is not required by law).
The Home Funeral Advantage
Although home funerals aren’t for everyone, those who have experienced “home death care” first-hand say that the experience is perfectly natural. It allows for a completely personalized, customized funeral that is not bound by morticians’ schedules or the cost constraints associated with ‘traditional’ services, providing family and friends with the chance to say goodbye – on their own terms.
Here’ To You!
In some cases, the deceased have the opportunity to plan their own home funerals, choosing everything from the food they’d like served to the clothes they’d like to be cremated in. Even the actual funeral or memorial ceremony can be planned in advance. Today some prefer a less religious ceremony and opt for a more personal and spiritual ceremony. For this style of ceremony I recommend you employ the services of a certified “Funeral Celebrant. You can locate a celebrant in your area here. Celebrant Foundation and Institute. You can also hire a celebrant to write the ceremony but have someone else like a friend or well spoken family member officiate. Celebrant Writing Service. Advocates say this process is great for everyone, providing time for everyone to be included in the home funeral process. In the long run, this can help with the healing process.
If you’d like to learn more about cremation and the home funeral experience, contact your local home funeral advocacy association or better yet ask your local funeral home if they can arrange for home funerals.
If you’d like to learn more about cremation and the home funeral experience, contact your local home funeral advocacy association. In some cases, the deceased have the opportunity to plan their own home funerals, choosing everything from the food they’d like served to the clothes they’d like to be cremated in. Advocates say this process is great for everyone, providing time for everyone to be included in the home funeral process. In the long run, this can help with the healing process.
It’s part of the human condition to feel the need to somehow effect the future after we have passed. We think of past generations, and future as well, and long to be connected somehow to those who came before and those who will come after. We want to leave something behind, some part of ourselves that will go on forever. At the same time, we want to hold onto those who have passed and who have come before us. Family heirlooms, old photos, and other physical mementos may bring us links to those in our past and fill in clues about who these people were, but they often serve to leave more questions than answers.
But what if we could ask our ancestors – or historical leaders, or greatest minds from history – questions about their lives? What if we could leave answers for future generations, a chance to reach out and allow them to bear witness to our stories? Thanks to advances in hologram technology, instead of trying to piece together a history after death you can now provide a “living” history for future generations to connect with.
The History and Future of YOU!
The Way it was Before the advent of the internet, most of us would be remembered through an oral history passed down from generation to generation. Depending on the ability of our families to record and pass on these events, our lives would often be distilled down into a few quaint representations.
Most people still relate this way to their grandparents and great grandparents. From anecdotes and a few pictures, a very basic picture forms of their lives. However, for every generation that passes, more and more of the story is lost, until all that is left is a headstone representing a far-away life to which no one can relate.
Just look at the history of your own family. How much can you piece together of the generations before you? Only the leaders of our nations, war heroes or figures of significance are recorded throughout our history. These stories form the basis of our social fabric and allow us collectively to portray a societal memory. Unfortunately, it is a story of the few, one that frays around the edges and becomes blurry the more you delve into the lives of individuals.
The Way it Is
Today, when you think about providing your legacy to your family is a gift that will influence generations! You definitely have a few more options than the hundreds of generations before you. Technology has come a long way in helping us to preserve and create the stories of our lives; personal histories today can be much more in depth because of social media, the pervasive use of videos and cameras and even to a lesser extent the ease to get a memoir writer to compose your life’s story.
Timelines and news feeds are simply too new to offer many baby boomers and those born before the age of the internet the ability to provide a true recorded history of their lives. Of course these social media platforms offer an amazing view into the everyday lives of many people today and will become a treasure trove for future historians, autobiographers and memoir writers. Unfortunately, for many people that picture is still incomplete as it only covers half or less of their lives.
Funeral Tribute Video’s
Visual imagery – photo slideshows and collages, videos – is a preferred medium for many funeral services. A story told without words, without a true memory except for the visual representation of that history. The camera has been the tool for recording our personal histories for almost 100 years. Yet, how much can we learn from these pictures? A picture may speak a thousand words, but for every photo there are thousands more unspoken words that leave gaps in our stories.
But what if you could offer future generations your story, as you want to, direct from your lips in an interactive way that not only tells a story but engages your audience?
Matt Lauer Shows How it Soon Could Be
The advance of hologram technology offers a huge leap forward in interactivity. A holographic image recorder uses mirrors and laser light capture technology to create a “picture” that is more of a pattern than a stationary image. It provides a way to record an individual within a pattern to portray them much more accurately than a still image.
However, this is only a small portion of what this great technology can now do. Holograms as popularized by Hollywood show a conversation through space and time that allow a much deeper connection than a typical memoir, memorial video or still image. Up until now, this was simply a Hollywood notion. The 3D Hologram Time Capsule has become a reality, revolutionizing the way you not only tell your story, but allowing you to connect with your descendants.
A group of researchers led by the USC’s Shoah Foundation has created a way to record the information you want and provide it to your ancestors in a much more usable and engaging way. The new Hologram 3D Time Capsule records the person’s responses to anywhere from 100-1000 questions about their lives. This is recorded with voice recognition software and compiled by an algorithm to seek out patterns of questions and answers.
Now, not only do you have a 3D image of the person being remembered, but an interactive discussion can be had between the holographic individual and the person interested in their life. Loved ones and descendants for generations will be able to ask Grampa Jack, “What was it really like to fight in World War II?” In this example, Grampa Jack would be able to directly relate their experience in World War II and even provide answers to follow up questions.
Imagine the possibilities! This new process allows for not only a live image hologram interaction, giving a sense of depth perception simply not possible in still images or videos, but also a much more accurate depiction of yourself. Think of the way your mannerisms and body language can portray so much about your personality that is not always available in a still image. For people to have a conversation with your live recorded hologram hundreds of years from now will provide that special interaction as if you were standing right next to them.
Future Memorials
Influence Future Generations
The future of human history is exciting, not only because of the progress we all expect, but because remembering our past has become so much easier. You will be able to impart within your family a much better understanding of your life-long struggles and achievements. These are the bedrock of the human condition.
The 3D Hologram Time Capsule, even in its most basic form, can provide a great social interaction that current memoirs, video montages or pictures simply will never reach. Imagine being able to start a family archive of Hologram Time Capsules that can truly weave the story of your family’s history into a long narrative. This narrative will provide invaluable history, lessons and your family’s greatest moments and sorrowful losses.
I predict these holograms will enter the funeral and memorial industry with an overwhelming positive reaction from those that have been able to leave a truly interactive “living legacy.” I can see it now….. You can choose from small facial holograms to full body holograms and from a small history to large full life interactions.
If you want to truly make an impact and lasting impression for your loved ones and their descendants, the only way to truly make that last is a 3D Hologram Time Capsule. This technology is even being considered for other applications, especially in the educational fields, because of its truly remarkable interactive ability.
Don’t Forget to Get a 3-D Printed Head Urn For Your Ashes as Seen Here
However, the most compelling use is still the ability it gives the average person to tell their story in a much more engaging way following their passing. It would be a great idea for those parents that know their terminal illness will take them away from their children. It can provide a comforting interaction and a way to truly leave a lasting impression on your children as they grow. Think of the many ways the Hologram Time Capsule could simply improve your ability to tell your story to future generations.
Ask someone that question and you’ll probably hear, “Oh, you know…” And most of us really do know what the person means to say, but few can find the words to describe our emotional reaction to that question. There are clues hidden in the answer, though: people don’t talk about the funeral home, the brand new hearse or how thoughtful the funeral director was. They talk about the funeral and how it made them feel.
Where Are My Pills!
But when prodded, participants in the 2012 Funeral Foundation Study found the right words – and quite a few of them, at that. None were positively impressed by the experience. They described a traditional funeral as being like a lonely, lifeless tomb: suffocating, confining, cold, sterile, lifeless, and dark. After the service, family and friends remain sad and disconnected. In short, “it’s just about death and death is depressing,” the service makes them feel “sad and lonely,““there is nothing positive about it,” and absolutely “nobody wants to go to a funeral.”
Why are traditional funerals usually so sad? It’s easy to understand, really: it’s about fear. Death has always frightened us, and when we’re face-to-face with it, we’re scared, sad and uncomfortable. It’s so big, and so capricious; death can take any one of us at any time. Who wants to stare that reality in the face for very long? No one does, and the prospect of having to do so can make us scared–an emotional reaction which is akin to sadness. In fact, the emotions of fear, sadness and anger arise in the same part of the brain, the amygdala. No wonder they feel so much the same!
Scary Stuff
Death is scary; it always has been. The death-related rituals humans have created over thousands of years commonly share expressions of this fear, and little evolution has occurred is our emotional reactions. As Curtis Rostad, CFSP, penned in his book The Basics of Funeral Service, “We would like to think that in these modern times, our state of enlightenment would have totally dispensed with such thinking, but such is not the case. Even today, death is approached from a standpoint of fear.” From my experience I would say the more we avoid the thought of someone dying, the scarier it is when the reaper comes a-knockin’. People are sent off to nursing homes and then to die in hospitals; death is set off to the side of society. Those families more involved leading up to death are more in touch with the reality of death when it comes. Hospice helps a lot with keeping death real but as any seasoned funeral director will tell you, hospice has no clue as to the importance of funeral rituals and ceremonies.
But, it seems here in the United States we’re ready to let go of fear altogether. People want to make death real again and understand the importance of being part of the funeral process. In fact, most of today’s families want to put “fun” in funerals: they want to celebrate the uniqueness of the deceased, and the gift of life itself. But, as you’d expect, there are folks who hold the opposite opinion, like the fellow who wrote this forum post: “While I like the spirit behind ‘funerals should be a celebration,’ I disagree. I used to think that this was a great idea until my father died. For the five days until the funeral, I was in this kind of haze of shock and depression. It didn’t sink in and I couldn’t be happy about anything. The funeral was absolutely horrible, I cried and cried and cried…but it was good for me. Funerals allow you to get all your grief out and start getting on with your life. Having a party as a funeral is a nice idea, but I think it defeats the purpose of a funeral. A funeral is a place to cry and sob and be sad and say goodbye, so that you can be happy and celebrate another day.”
Another wrote, “Resist the overwhelming desire to get back in your car and drive away. Funerals are not about your feelings. Do what is asked of you, do not argue. Read in front of hundreds from the Bible, be a pallbearer, kneel before the casket, take Communion. You are the strong young, there to support the grieving old.”
Certainly these opinions are a rarity these days; most folks would disagree. In fact, the common belief today is that traditional funerals “allow us too easily to forget the individual and dwell only in the ritual.” No one wants to be forgotten, ever. And if the ritual is mindless and meaningless to those in attendance, why even bother? As one study participant said, “just…bury the old broad and let’s get on with our lives.”
None of this comes as a surprise. If you read Part 3 of this series, How Consumers See Today’s Funerals (and What We Can Do about It), you’re already very much aware that most folks are dissatisfied with our traditional death rituals; they are looking for something more. They’re looking for transformation.
A good funeral should be transformative – it can balance you and take you away from that sad, pensive state. It brings light and life into the room, pushing out the darkness. It’s a service which presents a loving overview of the individual’s whole life, not merely a reflection on the fact of their death. As I wrote in Part 3 of this series, “As a funeral director, I believe our biggest value is the ability to create a healing environment where people can come together for a memorable experience. This experience should promote those in attendance to support each other in their grief. The life of the deceased is the star and the theme is how that life affected their world and the world of others.”
The way the ceremony makes people feel needs to be at the very heart of everything we do as funeral directors. Most of the other stuff is just the mechanics and fluff of the funeral. Yes, you read that correctly: I said fluff. Was your funeral home a good janitor of the dead? How nice did the funeral home look? How well did the attending staff look and act? Were they helpful and considerate? They better be! All these things are important, but what do the people remember? Why, the funeral of course!
And who does the funeral? I should say who officiates at the funeral, because funeral directors don’t. The funeral directors gave the funeral ceremony over to the clergy many years ago. The funeral home merely facilitates and organizes it, in most cases. Some funeral directors are now training to officiate funerals by becoming certified funeral celebrants. They receive their training at Insight Books and the Celebrant Foundation and Institute.
The ceremony and the way it makes people feel is the real value. Clergy are quite often more interested in reinforcing religious dogma, which can heighten the sense of emotional disconnect for those in the audience.
A funeral should be about love; the love we have for each other, ourselves…for the planet and for life itself. It’s about the connections we make and weave into our quilt of life. Life has many chapters and people need to know “The Whole Life” and where they fit in. But they also want to learn about those chapters which come as a total surprise. It’s a great feeling to learn new things about an old friend, even if it’s at their funeral! People come to funerals sometimes to see and feel how they fit into the life that was lived. They want to know how they fit into the equation and some come to justify their own existence.
So how do we as funeral professionals take back the funeral? I’ll give you one guess (and if you read either Celebrants Will Save the American Funeral or How Celebrants Can Help the Funeral Industry you already know the answer: we need to bring celebrants into the mix. Their work is to shine a light on the life of the deceased, effectively transforming the funeral service from the darkness of death and loss into the light of life and love. Not only do celebrants make the service meaningful and transformative, their work is helping funeral directors take back the funeral, one life at a time.
If you don’t believe me, in the next post in this series you’ll get to hear from the celebrants themselves, and the funeral directors who know the value of their services. Whether traditional or non-traditional, a funeral service can – and should! – be a deeply personal experience. Perhaps it will mean something different to everyone there, but it should always reinforce the value of the life lived, and the value of the relationships, the loving connections, between the deceased and each of the individuals in the audience. Next time, we’ll look at exactly how celebrants can do that.
If you’re a funeral director who has already brought celebrants into your service arrangements, we’d like to hear about your experiences–and feature them in our upcoming post. The same is true if you’re a celebrant, or if you’ve attended a service led by a celebrant. It’s your turn to stand up and be heard.
Because of her academic training in anthropology, I thought I’d ask Kim to open this post with just a short examination of funerals as rites of passage. (She’s got a Master’s Degree in the field and has spent over 40 years in the cross-cultural study of funeral ceremonies.) “The fellows whose work I studied in grad school: 19th century anthropologists
Arnold van Gennep, Robert Hertz and their 20th century counterparts Maurice Bloch and Victor Turner; shaped the way I saw these events. It was Gennep who first proposed them to be “rites of passage” marked by three distinct phases. The field work of the others, Hertz, Turner (an intellectual “hero” of mine) and Bloch refined his theory, focusing on the idea of liminality and the changes in social and psychological identities of survivors. Their primary point is a simple one: a “good” funeral ceremony is a rite of passage which is made up of a series of activities and varying states-of-being; and is, by its very definition, transformative.”
But it appears the funeral ceremonies here in the United States are not at all transformative. In fact, the participants of the 2012 Funeral Foundation Study did absolutely nothing to hide their dissatisfaction with what they know to be a traditional funeral.
“Traditional funerals are about death,” said a fellow named Rick. “It’s just about broken relationships and there is nothing posit
ive about it”, he continued. Another described a funeral service as “a lonely, lifeless tomb”; while a woman named Jody emphatically declared funerals are “mindless”. “They leave you sad at the end just like you were in the middle”, said John; in other words, there is no transformation.
And there’s no sense of community either. “When I go (to) a funeral,” Rick explained, “I feel like I am alone. You’re just there as an individual to say goodbye to this person. It’s depressing and it’s lonely.”
“Traditional services are almost a lecture of sorts,” observed Becky; who went on to say “Some…who preside over death ceremonies don’t allow for any release of sorrow. In fact, the ceremony itself makes participants more sorrowful. “I almost think of traditional funerals as puppetry,” she concluded “with someone in control manipulating the people in attendance to act the way they feel is appropriate.”
The consensus of participants was perhaps best articulated by Marilyn B., who simply said: “Nobody wants to go to a funeral. They’d rather be at Starbucks.” Uh, oh; that’s trouble. And it gets worse, because the study declared the trouble begins with the way we see ourselves and how we define the work we do.
The Underlying “Disconnect”
It seems when a funeral director sits down with a family; it’s almost like two people, each of whom speaks a different language, meeting in the room. (Chances are there’s going to be a lot of talking, but very little constructive conversation.) That’s what we call disconnect.
The researchers of the study qualified the nature of this separation. “Funeral industry executives see themselves as caring creators: healing wounds, helping to write the story of a life, building foundations and bridges to the future; weaving and mendin
g the fabric of a community. But consumers don’t see them the same way; in fact, they see funeral directors as robotic rulers. “At worst, they are bullies,” said Marilyn H.; while another woman recognized the reasons why: “They are there to make everything run efficiently. They’ve done this so many
times they are tough, emotionally. They have to switch on to their remote, automatic, robotic.” Study participant John said, “They remind me of some sort of machinery. Not loud, but repetitive. They have a job to do, there are things that need to be done and the guy is doing it.”
Tear Down The Wall and See The Light!
Here’s what I think: this disconnect is a wall that has been carefully built by funeral directors. For generations they have lurked in the shadows hiding in a cloak of secrecy. It’s been easier for them to keep the mystery in funeral service and keep the consumers guessing. Yes they like to think of themselves as caring helpers but the complex nature of funeral service has caused them to often seek predictable paths that help them maintain the comfort level they desire to simply get the job done with the least amount of stress possible (and the highest degree of profit).
Funeral directors are “pros” at diffusing any conflicts that come up in the arrangement process. They are not about offering up options that would begin arguments and create more questions of their abilities. Funeral arranging needs to be a creative process that needs to open door to solutions that will embrace individual needs.
We Have All The Options….A B or C ?
Funeral directors prefer the pick A, B, C or D option nice and tidy ducks in a row with no surprises. While this is expedient, it’s the oppositeof what needs to take place to create a funeral service that is as unique as the deceased and the special needs of the survivors.
When funeral directors seek out the easy path, the results become more generic and the resulting funeral is not special. So much so that those in attendance and especially the ones paying the bill will be left with a feeling of “why bother”, and then they say the most dreaded words in funeral service: “Just cremate me and scatter the ashes. Use the saved money to have a party in my memory.” And then they have that party, and we funeral directors look from the outside and say “Gee, I could have helped them plan a much better party that would be so much more meaningful and memorable. I have the know-how and all the best connections to have done this right.” But guess what? It’s too late.
Funeral Director Agreed That it Was A Nice Box
Robin Heppell candidly addressed the issue of “disconnect” in a recent interview with Kim, putting the blame squarely on a primary source of funeral home profits: the casket. “I do think the executives want to see themselves as caring creators; but as a whole, I don’t think they successfully transmit that vision through to their licensed staff because the casket still plays a big role in funeral home profits. If there was little or no profits from caskets, they would be closer to achieving their ideal of being caring creators. As long as caskets have a potential of providing a large amount of profit to a funeral home, their will the conscious or subconscious desire of greater casket sales–and the public isn’t interested in caskets.”
He went on to say, “Until the funeral home is in alignment with consumers, there’s going to be this disconnect. I think the thing is–when you’re able to almost let it go–and truly just give the family what they want and offer things they may not have realized you could, there will be more synergy between the funeral homes and the families they serve.
Okay, so consumers do not see funeral directors as the kind of creative resource they are seeking. But it gets worse. One respondent, Marilyn H., spoke about what it was like to plan her sister-in-law’s service: “It felt like we were buying a car.” She went on to describe the situation: “…we were with a man part of the time, then we were with a woman, and then he would come back. Then they put us in this room and on every single wall there was stuff you could buy. It was awful, like (when) you go to a carnival and they have all the prizes.” Synergy? How about just shooting for an experience that is less than “awful”?
How Can You Deliver the Kind of Funeral Service Today’s Consumers Want?
When asked to speak about their ideal end-of-life service, one participant said “A memorial service is about celebrating someone’s milestones and accomplishments. For the survivors, it’s good to rehash it all. If they’re in a grieving state, misery does love company. The companionship, the camaraderie. It’s kind of a support group. If someone is really grieving, it helps them cope with it better by sharing these common experiences.”
Here’ To You!
Another shared “I want plenty of dancing and laughing and having a great time.” What Arlene said next (about a friend’s funeral she had recently attended) was most descriptive of the transformation consumers are looking for. “When we left, everybody was laughing and talking about the person because we saw all the happy moments…everyone was in a festive mood. We didn’t grieve her life, we celebrated her life. I didn’t leave heartbroken. When I walked away from there, I thought they were…still with me. I (was) basking in her achievements and her friendship.”
You can see the problem: today’s consumer doesn’t just want to just “get through” the funeral. They want to create a memorable and healing experience that will form a platform which is strong enough to carry their memories into the future and help them to feel that they are actually part of the legacy of the life lived.
As a funeral director, I believe our biggest value is ability to create a healing environment where people can come together for a memorable experience. This experience should promote those in attendance to support each other in their grief. The life of the deceased is the star and the theme is how that life affected their world and the world of others.
What Does All This Mean for Funeral Home Owner/Operators?
What we may see as the “special need” of today’s consumers–the desire for a truly personal, improvisational and celebratory event which is transformative for all concerned–does create busy work for funeral directors; work they may not have the time or the skill sets to perform. But there is one thing you can do to reduce the workload:
Hire more specialized part-time employees and rely upon them for the more creative tasks. You should not have to hire more licensed funeral directors to meet the unique needs of today’s families. In truth, doing so could be counterproductive in the long run. Not only could it drive up the cost of the average funeral, chances are it won’t provide families with what they want.
If a specially trained Master of Ceremonies who knows just how to draw on all aspects of a life lived and craft all that information into a well-balanced and touching ceremony would help, then you should be hiring the best Certified Life Celebrant you can find. If you cannot find a good celebrant in your area, you should find a person that you think would be good and pay for their training. (Check out “Not Your Grandparent’s Funeral“, published “way back” in 2012, for a look at the enormous value a certified celebrant can bring to the service.)
Change the way your licensed staff make funeral arrangements. This is critical; funeral directors must focus more on the event and how it will make people feel. They need to be more aggressive in conveying the options when it comes to the location, look and feel of the ceremony. And the feel of the service can be a very positive reflection on their funeral home.
Use the latest bells and whistles available. Today there’s a wealth of them: video tributes, custom photo blankets, programs, funeral favors, keepsakes and memorial websites. If any of these will help support the goal of creating a healing experience; then why not use them to the best of your ability?
The key lies in providing value to the consumer. Value that they can feel moved by. If our services don’t move people to say “Wow! That’s what I want when I die!” we will all become disposers of the dead as people flock to cremation societies and event planners. Never forget the clock is ticking. Chances are your attitude, demeanor and operational skill sets are already costing you customers. If you don’t decide to change your approach, the families in your service area will simply leverage the Internet to get what they want if they don’t feel your funeral home is up to their special needs.
Let’s Talk
Author and Funeral Director Jeff Staab
We know you won’t disagree with the fact that consumers are turning away from “traditional funerals” in favor of more celebratory, life-oriented services. But we have made some strong statements here today which you might disagree with; statements like:
1.It’s unfortunate that funeral directors have long defined a funeral as “a traditional service for the deceased at a chapel or church with the casket present”. “It’s the biggest screw-up ever,” said Rob Heppell, who went on to say it’s high time we omitted the focus on a casket. If consumers don’t want an expensive casket, and we define the very word as casket-oriented; then they won’t want it.”
2.As long as caskets have a potential of providing a large amount of profit to a funeral home, there will be the conscious or subconscious desire for greater casket sales. In promoting casket-oriented services funeral home owner/operators are guilty of putting their own needs first and in doing so are their own worst enemies.
3. Funeral directors intentionally built a wall between themselves and the consumer. But, it has now been torn down by the information highway known as “the Internet”. Funeral directors can no longer play “cat and mouse” with the consumer.
4. It’s time for us to get real. We really need to work on our genuineness if we are to build any trust. If we can’t build a genuine trust people will do things themselves. Without trust we cannot effectively convey the real value of funeral service.
Don’t sit and stew over whatever’s on your mind; instead, speak up! Tell us what you’re thinking, and we’ll return the favor.
Last November I published “Public Opinion Concludes Funeral Service Has Dropped the Ball!” where I outlined the findings of the 2012 public opinion study by Olson Zaltman Associates (OZA), completed at the request of the Funeral Services Foundation. To view the findings of the study see Funeral Study. The post was meant to be the start of something much larger: a series of posts exploring the study’s findings and recommendations, but then I ‘hit a wall’. While I had about a billion thoughts about the ramifications of the study, I wanted to come up with some genuine solutions. I soon realized I would need to get the input of others if I was to come up with solutions that came from my singular experiences in my twenty plus years working as a funeral director. The study intrigued me and I was anxious to hear responses. There was some chatter about the importance of the findings and industry analysis of the findings, but very little in the way of solutions for those working day to day. Most suggestions from industry experts were met with the seeming paralysis of funeral directors and owner/operators. I wanted to acknowledge the study as a whole and form true and tried solutions that even a little country funeral home could implement. I understand how working in this business can lead to reinforced comfort zones that can be scary to break out of. Fear like this limits the ability to make significant changes in the way they do business, and the very future of funeral service.; I couldn’t get any words on the page. I guess I too was a victim of a paralysis of sorts.
I decided to get help and called my friend Kim Stacey to collaborate with me on this project, there’s nothing like a second set of eyes (and ears) to reinvigorate a project. She spent weeks connecting with funeral directors, owner/operators, consultants and association administrators; all of who helped us to shine a brighter spotlight on the issues raised by the study. “So many people gave graciously and generously; not just of their time, but of their very best thinking,” Kim noted in one of our follow-up conversations.
She was also quick to share something else: a chat with Todd Van Beck had opened her eyes wide enough, so she could really see how those working in funeral service are more than willing–almost eager–to criticize ourselves and others in the business, all the while decrying the very future of the profession. We are, it seems, crippling ourselves with negative talk. “I believe,” he began “that the average, day-to-day, typical American funeral director has undergone…undeserved beating by the national media and the self-appointed funeral critics.” The cumulative damage of these beatings, he argues, “results in funeral directors being filled with fear for the future, fear of change, and fear of making a mistake.” Fear is indeed a powerful motivator, but it is a poor motivator.”
Because we know Todd to be right–that fear is a lousy motivator–Kim and I are both adamant this series will be different. We’re not here to make you feel worse about what you do and how you do it, or bemoan the future of funeral service; we’re here to discuss, motivate and uplift–and ultimately get you to make changes in the ways you see fit. We want you to weigh the evidence, trust your own thinking, and make only those changes which are authentically in line with your firm’s values; but bottom line–change is here and it’s always best to accept the fact and respond rationally, using all the resources at your disposal.
Basically, we want more funeral directors and owner/operators to see the significant potential found in the gap between how consumers see us and our services, and how we see ourselves. While we want to be positive and uplifting, we’re not going to sugar coat anything; so best be prepared.
What’s Ahead
In the next edition of the Cremation Solutions blog, we’ll look at the initial finding noted in November’s post: that the general public sees funeral homes as dark, confining and sometimes even scary places. (In the OZA study, respondents said things like funeral homes “are real formal and not really inviting” and “sterile, cold and out-of-date”). This is a really big issue, because these same people will do anything they can to avoid returning to a facility they think is unappealing. “If the consumer has less-than-positive feelings about a business,” began Alan Creedy, “but they go and experience the urge to leave, they will naturally do all they can to avoid coming back–and they’ll do what they can to keep their family from experiencing those same feelings. What does that mean? It means they’ll seek more comfortable alternatives to what you offer.”
We’ve all seen examples of funeral home design which is in line with the study’s findings: facilities like any one of the Anderson-McQueen locations: light, bright, open, and inviting. Legacy Funeral Home in Edinburg, Texas has over 19,000 square feet of space, with a coffee lounge and reception area.
Yet, for every one of these fresh, modern facilities there are 100 small-to-medium funeral firms, often housed in aging buildings with too many small, uncomfortable rooms and too few windows. “Ninety percent of funeral homes are built ‘inside-out’,” said Alan. The public areas are interior rooms with no windows, and heavy drapery (often used to frame the casket). Add to those the low 8-foot ceiling, and you’ve got a funeral home that literally drives people out-the-door. But,” he notes, “if you’re running this kind of business you want them to linger, so you need to make the kind of changes which will cause them to stay awhile, share stories among themselves, and find communal comfort.”
We’re going to leave you now with a question. If your funeral home is, as Creedy believes; the primary touch point with those living in your service area–the very cornerstone of your brand– you will certainly benefit from looking around your facility and then asking yourself this question: “What signal is it sending?”
Don’t stop at just asking yourself the question: ask everyone you can. Take notes, and keep ’em handy. We’ll be back soon, and want you to add your “two cents” (more would be even better!) to the conversation. Shouldn’t “scary funeral homes” be a consumer perception from our past, not one from our future?
